You Can Go Pork Right Off

patesignPat just wipe that smug smile off you face, it’s not like we won. We tied again with Suarez, Nooooooooooooo…That Suarez, I will have to get better, stronger.  It is the only way to defeat him.  Oh sure, it appears like were friends….on the outside.

Frankly, I couldn’t tie for “first loser” with a better guy. Plus, with his scruffy beard, it’s totally nothing like kissing my cousin. Well, at least the ones who don’t live in Long Island.

What troubles me more is my girlfriend’s not so secret crush on Pat.  It did not seem like any effort for her to make the sign this time. She actually wanted to spend a lot of time alone “doing the sign.”  She wakes up every morning to watch him read the newspaper to her.  She searched long and hard for that picture, but I think she just took a copy from her desk. In the picture, he looks prepubescent. I am not even sure if he is old enough to shave. What really shocked me is she is not alone. All the women of New York City seem to be obsessed with Pat K.  The sign got an overwhelming amount of attention from the Ladies – one woman shouted as if she just saw a Beatle. Is he this sexy? I could wear my hair in a side part and my girlfriend would mock me, I am no Pat K.  Pat is the Caliente Canadian.

To be honest, the pork-off did not go as smoothly as I thought. I do not think I am ready to continue competing. I think I am burned out, I might have to go into semi-retirement.  I put more pressure than needed on myself because of the reporter from the New York Times.  Oh, did I forget to mention that there was a reporter from the New York Times watching me.

So, I wanted to take this event easy, not out of disrespect.  I thought if I made a pate, I could serve it cold with some bread and go around and eat everyone else’s pork.  Hey, the Pork-Off was for charity. I actually made my girlfriend promise to stop me from making any accouterments. I said no to aspic, I said no to a sauce, I said no to rehab. Well, I knew I was doomed when the reporter called.  I can’t help it. I wanted to make a good impression. So my entry became Pate with Sauternes Gelee, Cornichons,  Mustard Honey Cider Vinegar Dressing, and Parsley on Amy’s Bread. OY VEY!!!  I blame the Gray Lady.

The day did not start smoothly, that’s for sure.  It was a gray and rainy sky, first strike against me. I had planned to get bread at Amy’s Bread in Chelsea.  I live in the East Village, and that is the closest good bakery to my house. I was running a bit late so we decided to take a cab. Believe me, I do not take cabs. I am cheap my friends, very cheap. This is how much this event meant to me. The driver informed us that Sixth avenue was closed from 54th street to Battery Park. We would not be able to make it across unless we went around the entire island of Manhattan. Now being a born and bred New Yorker, I thought he was mistaken. Actually, I accused him of lying. I was last heard saying, “That’s fucking Bullshit, dude. Are you for fucking real!”  Now I had a real problem, no bread and a shit ton of pate.  The mental meltdown was beginning.  So, I took a second. But like I am told often, there is nothing to worry about.  Are you sitting on the edge of your desk chair thinking that I would serve pate without bread? Really? Look, I went and got some inferior bread.  The pate is the star, the lead.

Lookin good

Lookin good

We get to bar.  First things first, it is Sunday Morning…it is time for a Bloody Mary. I got to say the most disappointing part of my day was the Bloody Mary, it was almost chunky with black pepper bits.  The Bloody Mary did not do the trick, I was sober and picking pepper chunks out of my teeth.  They set us up on a pool table, not good.  Well, not good for my vegetarian girlfriend because it meant she would have to prepare each bite of pate off to the side. I thought I would be set up behind a table. So, my many thanks and many apologies to my girl.  She did a great job, especially as it started getting crowded and I had to tell her, “This isn’t a library baby, now shake it!”  The look she gave me could not be described nicely. Let’s just say that it churned my stomach.  Listen, in the kitchen, all is fair in love and food. I had 200 hungry pork eating freaks barreling down on me.

There was the good and the bad in the competition, but over all the food was great.  The standouts are the familiar names.  Suarez’s dish was great. I was worried when he told me what he was making, I hate collard greens. I lived in the south for four years and I ate everything, there was nothing I didn’t want except collard greens. I dislike the drab, olive green, vinegary mush. Well, Suarez did not use vinegar, instead he made them unctuous with pork and a little bit of fat. If I did not vote for myself, he would have gotten it.  Let me state, I am not giving his dish a thumbs up just because he is my friend.  The gentlemen behind the pork belly skillet, delicious.

As I stated, I won second with Nick. Not bad, I’m cool with it. I had a good time and eventually found some beer to get me over my anger at the Bloody Mary.  As usual, more great coverage and pics at Not Eating in Out in NY.

"kindred spirits"

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5 Responses to “You Can Go Pork Right Off”


  1. 1 ted May 11, 2009 at 8:07 am

    Ingrid is a saint.

  2. 2 TEDDY May 11, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Alas, I know

  3. 3 Laine May 13, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Ingrid can shake it really well.
    Meanwhile, what are you cooking up for the beer-off?

  4. 4 Karin May 15, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    I hope that you have gotten over the look from Ingrid. Liked the story in the Times. Not sure what to make of Pat. Kinda scary looking.


  1. 1 Paté, your new best friend? « Carnivore Hearts Herbivore Trackback on September 11, 2009 at 8:59 am

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